It's like he's from a different universe - his point of view is so far "off the mark" it's frustrating to even TALK about it with him.
But there are ways to express all that anger - no matter how powerful it seems to be - that will get past his defensiveness so he can truly "hear" you without it all turning into another argument or you stuffing it all down and feeling awful.
If you'd like some help for turning your powerful anger into a powerful Tool for CONNECTING with your "challenging" man instead of pushing him away, try out my new program "Reconnect your Relationship."
You can work with it risk-free for 30 days, so you can listen to all of it and work with it and get some fast, amazing results before you even have to decide to keep it. Try it out here:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Reconnect
I know it will help you find your anger and USE it to actually DEEPEN your relationship.
Dear Achique,
Have you ever become ANGRY with a man who's not "hearing you?"
And then, instead of really hearing your anger, or what you're trying to tell him about what made you angry in the first place, he PULLS AWAY FROM YOU more instead of even listening?
If so, you're not alone.
So many of us women experience this same thing with a man, and then we start to believe that we can't ever share our feelings with ANY man or express how we feel.
So we stop opening up.
And this is only the beginning of more problems and less CONNECTION with a man.
Get ready...because I'm about to show you how to avoid this negative pattern in relationships - how to share MORE with a man, and have him pull away LESS.
Let's start with a common situation.
Let's say you feel frustrated by something a man has done. Or something he's just not doing. And not doing over and over again.
It could be because he didn't call when he said he would. Or he let a week go by without calling at all.
Or because he isn't as affectionate and attentive as he used to be.
Does it feel almost as though he just doesn't "get" or appreciate anything you do?
If that happens in your relationships, as it once did in mine, you end up feeling both bad and frustrated - maybe even angry.
And if you try to deal with that by working really hard to be "understanding," and trying to "see things from his perspective" - and that makes you feel even worse - well, that's how most of us want to deal with men when we're frustrated and angry.
We don't want to show how we really feel.
We want to be cool, happy and positive all the time.
And ignore our anger and frustration.
Until we can't ignore it anymore.
Most of us women are so great at stuffing down our anger and pretending it doesn't exist.
We try to be "reasonable" and "rational" and try to understand the way men think, and we really want so much to accept their reasons for behaving the way they do.
But that still doesn't stop us from feeling angry and frustrated.
Trying to stuff down those powerful feelings is like trying to stop our life force!
It just makes us feel worse.
And it either makes us sick or tired or depressed, or - one day we explode all over him.
Do you ever feel as though it's impossible to get heard by a man?
That even if we really tell him what's wrong, he won't get it?
That he'll say something like "get over it," or at least think that?
And then that makes you feel even more angry and frustrated, and then you try to be more understanding....?
Have you ever been in a relationship that goes on like that for months, or even years?
I certainly was. Many times.
And my marriage was like that for the whole first few years.
I thought that if I got angry, I'd drive him away.
But I was pushing him away anyway.
He could SENSE my anger, but he was looking at the SMILE on my face!
I wasn't a good enough actress to hide what was going on underneath my smile.
He could FEEL my anger anyway.
And all my pretending just made me seem, well, untrustworthy. Not authentic. (That's sort of what men mean when they say they don't understand women - it's as though we say one thing, but they "get," on a deeper level, something else. Something they can't quite understand or put their finger on, but it makes them uncomfortable)
So, what's the answer here?
If pretending we aren't angry and frustrated doesn't work, and exploding and explaining to them and telling them what they're doing wrong doesn't work, then what do we do with those awful angry feelings?
Working on ourselves to understand what it is that makes us angry is a great first step.
Just even noticing when we're feeling angry and frustrated can help us understand the kinds of things that trigger those feelings in us.
And if we're always feeling hurt and angry and frustrated, if we're always being triggered in the same way, by the same man or the same kinds of men, then we can get a really good picture of how we can help ourselves.
Even though we're all different, we're also, all of us women, so much alike.
Our bodies, our hearts, yearn to bond with a man.
And we so hate that helpless feeling of yearning that often we create just the opposite of what we want!
Have you ever stayed in a bad relationship hoping it would work out, or that he'd change?
Do you wonder why you put up with behavior from a man that you just know you shouldn't accept, but still, always seem to find a good reason to accept anyway?
Again, you're not alone.
And you can stop that old pattern. It takes some new words and a little bit of bravery at first. But you can do it. I did, and it made (and still makes) a huge difference in my marriage.
It's another "Third Way" to be in a relationship.
Instead of pretending to not be angry or upset, or trying to talk or reason yourself out of feeling that way - basically stuffing it down, and instead of telling a man what's wrong, complaining or exploding - you can share exactly how you feel in words he can actually hear!
And most of the time, you can stop the whole "hurt to anger to stuffing or exploding" cycle before it even starts!
The first time a man forgets to call when he's said he would, and apologizes, you can say, "Thank you for the apology. I was feeling very uncomfortable about it."
And if he doesn't apologize, or even mention it, you say "I'm feeling awkward bringing this up, but I'm feeling really uncomfortable." He will ask what's up. And then you say "I expected your call, and it felt bad when it didn't happen." He'll make an excuse, or apologize, and you say, "Thank you."
Once you try this, you'll see how it works. You'll see that it brings men in closer because it forces them to look at you differently.
Instead of seeing you as a woman they can treat any way they want to, they'll see you as a woman who treats herself so well that they'd better treat you well, too!
And you'll be amazed at how less angry you feel after you've shared your feelings!
If you have my Reconnect Your Relationship program, listen again to the part about the Anger to Guilt to Depression Cycle, and how you can STOP going into depression, and STOP your man from drifting away by becoming friends with your Anger.
Do the "Walk Yourself Through The Tunnel" process in "Reconnect" and see how quickly you can feel both more in control of yourself and much freer with your man.
The "Cycle" is a powerful way to look at your feelings - even the yucky ones, in a completely different way. A way that works FOR you and your relationship, instead of against you and your relationship. If you don't have it, you'll want to find out more about it, click here:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Reconnect
If you can share your feelings, even the frustrating ones, right at the beginning of a relationship, from the first meeting, you'll attract men who instinctively want to treat you well.
If you do this at any time during a rough and painful relationship, you'll begin to set the relationship right.
Acknowledging, embracing and sharing our angry feelings make us feel better about ourselves.
And amazingly, men pick up on that.
A man "gets," right away, when you're able to acknowledge and express your feelings.
He gets that you won't tolerate bad behavior - and that's a turn on for a man!
***Here's an email from "Belinda" that we can work through in a way that can help ALL of us express ourselves in a way that gets us CLOSER to our men:
"Dear Rori, My anger has always been a problem. I feel anger towards men, period. (It seems to also be inherited from my mother and grandmother.) I don't want to hate men, but I have this anger. I'm afraid I'll become so angry I'll scare them away.
I'm concerned about the silences in phone conversations with my boyfriend "Bill." Last night he was uncomfortable on the phone, I got the impression he thought something was wrong, and then he just got off - like there was nothing more to say. There was an uncomfortable pause, and then he got off the phone.
I'm not sure what to say or how to say it. When I have something to say, do I just say it? Or just not? I can't say how I feel. Not being able to makes me feel so powerless, and yesterday and today, I've been really depressed. I hope that that goes away, because I'm feeling really bad. I'm just not feeling a sense of control.
I wanted to say this morning to him, 'I'm sad' - but then I just said, 'I'm not feeling very well' and there was silence, and then he said he was having lunch with our mutual friend about business - and then he had to get back to work...uggh. Telephone conversations are really awkward with all the silence...he doesn't fill them, and gets off the phone. I used to fill them - it's soooo uncomfortable for me not to. What else do I do? Giggle, smile on the phone - express my feeling during the silence? Help, please, Belinda"
***The first thing I'd like to do is to reassure you and Belinda that no relationship is going to bust up over a few bad phone conversations. This is stuff we girls make up about men for lots of reasons we can talk about in another eletter. Right now I want Belinda to feel VERY proud of herself!
She's beginning to tune in to what's really going on, and instead of doing all the work and filling in all the pauses in conversations like she used to, she's just listening, and BEING there.
Not filling in the silences is just a first step in the Reconnection Process, and it's one you have to take.
If you're experiencing the same challenge as Belinda, know that it may seem hard on the phone at the beginning, but it's because you're just not used to it yet - a bit of practice and you'll find it EASY, I promise.
Your next step is filling in those pauses with real and true "Feeling Messages."
Try this: "I'm feeling uncomfortable with the silence," or "I'm feeling anxious in all this silence."
See how that's talking, not accusing?
You can smile, have a sense of humor, you can even be light about it - but you're still saying the TRUTH!
You're uncomfortable, and you're saying it.
Trying to fill in the silence is one of the things we do that looks to a man like one of the WORST things we can do - and that thing is to be PHONEY.
Because chatting on when we truly feel uncomfortable comes across to a man as phoney.
Before we can get chatty and flirty in a comfortable way, a way that feels true and real to US, we have to breakthrough that moment of paralysis when we think something's wrong, or we're wondering what's going on with him.
It's like those "nervous" laughs.
Some of us get so good at those things - covering up the embarrassing moments with a laugh or funny remark - that we think we're getting away with it.
But actually, we're creating DISTANCE between us and a man by not being AUTHENTIC.
Men are actually quite sensitive, and they notice things.
He may not be able to put his finger on it, but when a man hears a nervous laugh, or conversation coming from tension and unease, it feels yucky to him.
It feels like you're "sucking up" to him.
I know it's shocking to put just trying to keep a conversation going in the same category as "sucking up," but that's how it comes across.
It comes across as low self-esteem.
And sometimes a man's uncomfortableness can come from his sensing OUR discomfort.
So, the quickest way to stop putting out uncomfortable vibes is to GET comfortable.
And the quickest way to get comfortable is to get in touch with your feelings, whatever they are, and express them, using the words you've learned in these eLetters, eBook and programs.
There are even wonderful words for Anger.
Like "I feel angry." Or, "I feel so mad."
We don't even have to EXPLAIN the "Why" of it to him until he asks.
And if he asks, that's showing some interest, and so even THAT SMALL THING is a great little step forward!
And NO GAMES have been played, no fear of saying the TRUTH has taken control of you, and I guarantee you'll feel fabulous after you try this out. (Baby steps, now - remember to try this talking about the weather and unemotional things, first, like "I feel so embarrassed, but I actually feel enraged at this rain!")
I could do a hundred programs having to do ONLY with feelings and how to Find, USE and Express them with men. (And I just might!)
For now, use the Tools you've learned so far and Find Your feelings, Follow them around your body, choose some words to express them, and then say what's true.
That will help Belinda (and you, too, if you're experiencing this same challenge in your life right now) to get past this place of silence and discomfort, and move you AND your relationship to the next level.
Belinda has all the hope in the world.
When we're closed off in some ways, we attract relationships that keep that kind of balance and tension - it's just too scary to get closer.
But as soon as you practice the Tools with your man, all that changes.
Belinda is feeling her barriers to Love coming down, and when you feel that happening, you'll also feel your man come closer to you.
There are so many barriers we put up without even knowing we're doing it.
We "chase" a man without knowing that's what's really happening. We do things like call him first, push the conversation, fill in the silent gaps with chatter, ask him about his weekend plans in hopes that we can see him again soon.
We try to "seduce" a man with our bodies and our minds, hoping he'll be attracted to us physically and then impressed with how witty and insightful we are.
And NONE of those things get inside a man's HEART and make him love us genuinely and passionately.
All those things make him "appreciate" us or think we're cool and "nice." But in the end, his feelings won't be triggered and he'll tell us that he can't see being more than just friends with us, or he doesn't have space in his life right now for SOMETHING SERIOUS.
That's why I created my Modern Siren program.
I wanted to teach you WHY a man doesn't respond emotionally to all the wrong things, and to show you what he DOES respond to.
Learn what specific things trigger a man's "love" feelings and how you can embody the sensuality and allure of a siren by simply being your true, feminine self here:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/ModernSiren
It may feel messy and scary and uncomfortable at first to learn how to be the irresistible woman full of juicy emotions...even anger.
Consider it a gift, and as a sign that you're on the right track. You'll get the hang of this very quickly.
***Here's a fast Tool: TRUTH SPEAK
When you feel something, and you locate the feeling and put it into words in your head, but then find yourself saying something ELSE to your man, catch yourself.
That's the way we play games and walk on eggshells and monitor ourselves - and that causes our men to PULL AWAY.
I know it seems like a subtle difference, but look at it this way: If you find a feeling and can say it to yourself in words, then use the "Feeling Message" format to say exactly what you said to yourself.
That makes you AUTHENTIC, and it will draw him close.
If you find a feeling and can say it to yourself in words, and then tell him what you THINK, or say, for instance - "I'm not feeling well," when what you really feel is "I'm feeling uncomfortable," then you know that you're ALSO feeling AFRAID to express to him what you REALLY feel.
And THAT'S the deep place we have to get to - to be UNAFRAID of how telling the TRUTH will affect him and your relationship.
Telling the TRUTH is just not something ANY of us were raised to do, and what we have to be about now, for the sake of ourselves and our love lives, is to be able to tell the truth about ourselves MORE OFTEN.
***To help with this, here's ANOTHER Tool: LET HIM CLOSE:
Start by visualizing your man coming closer to you while your defenses are DOWN.
Do this on your bed, or sitting in a chair, or anywhere, even in public if you find yourself getting tense and closing down.
Imagine your man coming close.
Let him come closer and closer, as you talk to your body (try the Body Dialogues in the Toolkit), do the Sensual Meditation from the eBook, and MELT, all at the same time.
Catch yourself if you're THINKING instead of just melting into the bed or the floor or the chair - melting into YOURSELF - and get back to following your sensations around your body.
And do it all while you're imagining him close.
Remember - YOU'RE in CONTROL of YOU, so if you feel frightened, you get to stop for a moment.
You can STAY open, stay relaxed and connected to your body, and stop HIM from coming any closer.
If you're feeling frightened by imagining him coming close when you're relaxed and vulnerable and open - then simply don't let him come any closer, even in your imagination, than you're comfortable while you're open like this.
Take it slow, until you can allow him really close while you're relaxed and undefended.
Now take that feeling out into the world and with your man.
A great way to help yourself start DOING less, filling in the silences less, working in and for the relationship less, is to practice SPEAKING less, too.
This means short and sweet feeling messages, simple Thank You's without explanation, and Silence. Learn to get comfortable with Silence, and you're half-way there!
Here's a short note from "Bella," who wrote me a few months ago nearly desperate about her boyfriend of 2 years. She was so frustrated at his inability to commit to her, and was either always stuffing down her anger or exploding at him all the time. She didn't know whether to leave or stay and tough it out, and then she discovered the Rori Raye Third Way.
She used the Tools from "Reconnect Your Relationship" and this is what she says now:
"Dear Rori, I just now got a phone call from him, that he wants to work on things! - that he wants to commit to working on this relationship, and see what happens! - He doesn't want to end it - he wants to continue it - It was great! He has committed to work on committing! Thank you, Bella"
***If Bella can see a huge change in her man's desire to commit to her - so can you!
Once Bella saw that underneath all the "giving" and "understanding" and filling in the "silences" she was doing - what was really inside her was anger and sadness. She told me that the biggest work for her, and the biggest Tools that helped her were about standing behind her Boundaries while staying open and warm to her man at the same time. When she started practicing that, things started to move forward for her.
You can do it too. You can draw a man in closer to you by learning to acknowledge, embrace and share all your feelings.
And as you practice this, in baby steps, you'll automatically start to feel better about yourself. Your self-esteem will begin to climb, and pretty soon you'll wonder where all the self-doubt went.
If you'd like an extra boost for your self- esteem, and Tools you won't find anywhere else - like the Body Dialogues and unique Rori Raye Processes that will make you feel instantly hopeful and powerful (great to listen to before a date), try out my Heart Connection Toolkit set. This is a program that will lift your spirits and keep them high, and it comes with a little book for reference that you can keep in your purse when you need help with how to choose your words, or support for being vulnerable.
